In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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