shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
