Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
