A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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