Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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