I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
