Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
