1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
