Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
