it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
