my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
