omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
