my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
