I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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