If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
