glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Are my feet made of real feet?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
there is puke in my bra ... again
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