that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
