Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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