and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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