i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
