Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
