you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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