dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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