it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
