Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
