from now on my penis is your penis
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
