so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
