you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I pour the whiskey from now on
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
