My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
