This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
