Please, let me fuck your mom
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
