I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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