My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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