I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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