It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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