I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
