is your mom at the bar?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just gargled with NyQuil
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Randomize
