i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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