Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
