So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Someone signed my nipple.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
