my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
