LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
