Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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