TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
