There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
