It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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