Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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