My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
