Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
