Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
